And while planning is vital, expectations are brutal. Ainít it a bitch to never get where youíre going because you never sit down and accept where you are and how you got there?
Oh man, I spend most of my days jealous. I planned to be a millionaire by 25 (yeah, everyone else too). I’m jealous of all those guys who have built something, stuck with it and ran all the way to the bank with it. Instead of building my project and really pursuing it, I was sitting at a job I thought I was happy at.
When we got bought and everything went to shit. My world fell apart. I started being unhappy on a degree I didn’t think was possible. I no longer wanted to code, I didn’t want to be involved in this project that I literally worked my ass of for. I didn’t care any more.
At some point during all of my working at my last job, I started Spotted Koi with Tony. We have literally kicked ass until recently.† Since things fell apart in our world, I have spent my time being jealous of those people who are able to put the front up that they love their job and couldn’t think of doing anything else.† Being behind has made me stop and think about my situation: Hard up for money, constantly behind at work, not sleeping enough, not fulfilling my responsibilities as a friend or a as a husband, and generally being in dismay.† I have been talking to friends who I know are successful in what they are doing and damn near begging for help. I have even been working on hiring one of my great friends to kick my ass and coach me into a streamlined butterfly of business running excellence (you know who you are, I hope I didn’t set that expectation too high…).
One thing I have been jealous of too, is Tony. All throughout this whole process while I am sitting here and letting my anxiety roller coaster run me ragged, he is cool headed and just works towards getting shit done. He’s worried about the business too, focused on making it better while I focus on getting the right people. We are attempting to work together to find common ground on what we want to do with the company and how to proceed.
This anxiety thing is a bitch though. It’s hard to explain to those people who don’t feel it. I have fought with it for my whole life, not realizing what it was until recently. Basically, it is a flight mechanism. There is no fight. It’s run, run, run until you can’t run anymore. If you are comfortable and relaxed, there is something wrong and I’m not doing it right. If I am overwhelmed and my tasks list is too long, find something else to focus on as a distraction (like writing this blog post). There are times when things are just not going right and I can’t even see the words on my computer screen, I mean I see them, but they mean nothing to me. There are other times when I am as distracted as a 5 year old and can only thing that if I was in school the teachers would be pushing my mom to put me on Ritalin (they did this, she basically told them to fuck off).
What’s weird is that there are moments I have of clarity, where I just snap together, grab some shit, and knock it the fuck out of the park.† I am not sure what it is that gets me to that point. I know at this second I am trying to get there, hoping that by sitting at my computer with some dirty chai will help me focus and get this last project done. I have my music on, drowning out the noise of the coffee shop.
Here’s to Friday.† Here’s to the weekend I hope I get to enjoy and not work through unless I want to.† Here’s to my best friend/amazing wife who stands by me and understands why I am the way I am even though I frustrate the hell out of her sometimes. Here’s to my business partner who has stuck by me during absolute panic attack freakouts over Skype, when he just listens to me vent, shakes his head and goes back to what he was doing (kicking ass and taking names). Here’s to my other friends who have stuck by me, given me advice, and who have been absolutely awesome despite my inattention to detail, horrible scheduling problems, and my overall distractedness.
I guess I should pay the fuck attention to that quote above that made me write this article. Hey Matt, sit back a minute, take stock of what you have and where you have come. You can’t get where you want to go if you don’t get this next project done. Go kick it’s ass. Get it delivered and move the fuck on with your life.† Go make that money, give Melissa and yourself the lives you deserve and for God’s sake stop writing this post.
Get the fuck back to work.
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